bottled-up

Brewer: Downeast Cider House

Beer: Cider (Pumpkin Blend)

Alcohol Content by Volume: 5.1%

Here’s the story. I went out last weekend. Nothing major, just a couple of drinks with a friend. The bartender says, “Hey, Emotiguys! Have you ever tried this Downeast pumpkin cider?” I respond, “No, but the leaves are changing color and pumpkin is the hottest ingredient since guacamole, so serve us up two, my good man!” He does. I sip. Emotimind blown!

Seriously. This is a delicious drink. Buzz aside, the taste is just so… tasty! In fact, it’s probably dangerous just how smoothly this cider goes down because you’ll forget that there’s alcohol in it, and then, WHAM, you’re unexpectedly calling Uber to give you a ride home from the Fridays up the road. (Embarrassing!)

In fact, the night after I had a few of these on draft, I went out and got me a… four pack? (yes, that’s how they come in the can)… and served them up with my favorite meal, crab legs!

I LOVE FALL!

DRUNKEN EMOJI RATING

Brewer: New Holland Brewing

Beer: Dragon’s Milk/Imperial Stout

Alcohol Content by Volume: 11%

I am Daenerys Stoutborn of the House Drinkian, First of His Visage, the Undrunk, King of the Ales and the First Beer, Tripeleesi of the Great Hoppy Sea, Breaker of the Bottles, and Father of Dragon’s Milk.

Yes, that was a really long way to go about telling you that I am SUPER PSYCHED for this week’s “Game of Thrones” season finale, and to celebrate it, I’m swearing like The Hound and drinking like Tyrion Lannister… and doing it all with the late, great Viserion in mind! I’m sinking deep into my bottles of the deliciously smooth Dragon’s Milk like Viserion sank into the frozen lake beyond the wall. (Spoiler Alert!)

Brewed by New Holland Brewing, this bourbon barrel aged stout is thick enough to fill your belly and potent enough to help you survive the cold, because after all… winter is coming!

DRUNKEN EMOJI RATING

Brewer: Dogfish Head Craft Brewery

Beer: Namaste White

Alcohol Content by Volume: 4.80%

After dealing with my ails, I have returned to sample the ales. Beverage reviews aren’t a swimming pool. You can’t just dive right in and grab the moonshine. You have to make like The Wiz and ease on down the road.

I’ve always been a fan of the Belgian witbier, particularly on a hot summer day. It compliments outdoor day drinking nicely. Knowing that I was going to be spending most of my Sunday with my yellow head floating over a patio chair, I decided to grab a sixer of this Dogfish offering. Utilizing lemongrass, orange slices, and coriander, this beer is a refreshing sip in the sun, which I paired with some steamed crab legs to bring its Delaware brewing location full circle. The beauty of witbier is that it’s a great lounging drink, a refreshing refreshment for when you have a cooler by your side and no desire to stand.

Thanks for not making me stand on my day off, Dogfish!

DRUNKEN EMOJI RATING

Brewer: Revival Brewing Co.

Beer: Night Swim’Ah

Alcohol Content by Volume: 4.70%

I apologize for my drink-related silence these past few weeks. Like any well-oiled machine, I too need to refuel the tank, which I have done in the form of swearing off beer…

UNTIL NOW!

Like Godzilla rising from the sea after licking his wounds, I, Drunken Emoji, am returning with a vengeance. As my first trick, I’m going to drink a sixer of Night Swim’Ah, a raspberry-infused witbier. Brewed in Rhode Island, this big beer from the tiniest state is a refreshing offering that feels best suited for a relaxing weekend with plenty of outdoor leisure in mind. Although the raspberry flavor is not openly advertised on the bottle, it’s there, mingling with textures of vanilla and… banana bread?

Maybe I’m crazy. Maybe I’m rusty. But I taste it there, tucked away in the back of the bottle. I guess I’ll just have to pour a few more to see if I’m chasing the right flavors.

>Insert the tssss pop of a battle cap<

And now to find me some outdoor leisure to attend to!

DRUNKEN EMOJI RATING

Brewer: Uinta Brewing Company

Beer: Hop Nosh Tangerine IPA

Alcohol Content by Volume: 7.30%

Dear Hop Nosh Tangerine,

I’m writing to you on Sunday night. It’s opening day for Major League Baseball. You may not be familiar with the sport, but if you are, tonight’s game is Cubs versus Cardinals. I was thirsty so I headed to the fridge. I searched for a beer. Behind the mayonnaise? Nothing. Tucked away in the produce drawer? Negative. WAIT… there… wedged between the economy-sized bottle of soy sauce and the little plastic lemon filled with the juice of its likeness… A BEER!

It’s you.

I remember you. I bought you two weeks ago. You disappeared and I just assumed my wife drank you. She does that sometimes.

I pop your top. Citrus and fragrant flowers tickle my nostrils. I pour you into my favorite pint glass. Amber, the color I’d expect to find a 60 million-year-old mosquito embedded in. I taste you… just a little at first for savoring purposes… and although the tangerine is there, it’s modest and not overpowering. The surprise maltyness mingles nicely, just like the large bottle of soy sauce and the little plastic lemon always seem at home together in the door’s interior shelf. (Before you came between them, of course.)

By the time I’ve finished you… which is in no time at all… the first pitch has yet to even happen. The game is still to be, but you are already gone.

I miss you, Hop Nosh Tangerine. I miss you so.

Sincerely

Drunken Emoji

PS: Please don’t tell my wife about us. She will never understand.

Brewer: Weyerbacher

Beer: Merry Monks

Alcohol Content by Volume: 9.3%

Some nice fella sent an email to TrunkSpace that was directed to me and it relates to my reviews, so I figured I’d start this one by addressing it.

“You never have anything bad to say about anything. Clearly your in th e pockets of these breweries.”

That’s it. Pasted as it was sent.

Here’s the thing, I do try plenty of beers that I’m not a very big fan of. In fact, there’s some that I downright do a spit take with. But, let’s pause for minute, pump the brakes and take a look at the world around us.

Yup. It can be pretty shitty out there. Especially in this whimsical little place called the Internet. There is so much unnecessary negativity circulating around and around and around, that TrunkSpace (and myself) have decided to not participate in fueling that out-of-control fire. If we don’t like something, we just don’t write about it. It’s not worth our energy in writing it or your energy in reading it. And specifically when it comes to beer reviews… who wants to soak in a negative one? “Oh, this drunken emoji said this beer sucks… I SHOULD RUN OUT A SEE FOR MYSELF!” No!

So, whether you like it or not, I like this beer. I like it a lot. I would drink it in a house. I would drink it with a mouse. I would drink it in my chair. I would drink it anywhere.

Oh, and just as the last time that I sampled their offerings, Weyerbacher freaks me out with their label art! WHAT DOES THE MONK WANT ME TO BE SILENT ABOUT?!?!

Regardless, this is one hell of a tripel and it is worth you running out to see for yourself.

DRUNKEN EMOJI RATING

Brewer: Bear Republic

Beer: Red Rocket Ale

Alcohol Content by Volume: 6.8%

Bear Republic describes this beer as a “bastardized Scottish style red ale” on its label. That sounds like a mouthful to say, especially when my mouth is already filled with a three-second swig of Red Rocket, so I’m going to call it something a little more on point and to the point: DELICIOUS!

Now this is the kind of beer this old emoticon can spend a Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, or Saturday night with. (Sundays are for whiskey!) Great aroma (like fragrant pine needles soaked in grapefruit juice), great color (like liquified caramel) and great taste (a hoppy flavor slap with a backdoor malt zing that lingers on the tongue).

A new favorite!

DRUNKEN EMOJI RATING

Brewer: Peak Organic Brewing Company

Beer: Fresh Cut

Alcohol Content by Volume: 4.7%

Fresh cut grass is one of my favorite smells in the entire world of smells. It’s nostalgic and a staple of summer, instantly jump starting the pleasure center of my large emoji brain.

Fresh Cut, the beer, is now one of my favorite pilsners in the entire world of pilsners. It too is nostalgic, filling my mouth with reminders of some of my earliest beer experiences. Golden and inviting in my go-to pint glass, it’s a refreshing swig from start to finish, and according to the label, filled with pure organic ingredients to boot. Not too shabby!

I look forward to nestling a bottle of this in my neck koozie come May so that I can combine my two favorite fresh cuts into one singular experience while mowing the lawn on the first hazy, lazy Saturday afternoon.

DRUNKEN EMOJI RATING

Brewer: Ballast Point

Beer: Pineapple Sculpin

Alcohol Content by Volume: 7.0%

ARE YA READY, KIDS?

Aye aye, Captain!

Ohhhhhhhhhh… who drinks from a bottle of pineapple beer?

DRUNK-EN-EMO-JI!

That’s right. PINE… APPLE… BEER!

I know. I know. It sounds like it may skate too closely to a Sunday ham dinner at the ‘rents house, but pump those brakes. My emoji mother always taught me to accept a thank you bite when offered something new to try. If you like it, you say thank you. If you don’t like it, you say no thank you.

Thank you, Ballast Point.

This IPA with only a hint of pineapple aftertaste was a surprise from first sip. In fact, the scent of pineapple is stronger than the flavor itself, but the sweetness that does tickle the tongue does so in a powerful way, helping to balance the bitterness of the hops. Smooth to gulp down either lounging by a swimming pool or sitting inside waiting for the weather to warm so you can lounge by a swimming pool, this golden-colored ale with only a slight hint of tropical fruit is a summer treat even in the dog days of winter.

And as an aside, basting your Sunday ham in Pineapple Sculpin may not be such a bad thing.

DRUNKEN EMOJI RATING

Brewer: Captain Lawrence Brewing Co.

Beer: Frost Monster Imperial Stout

Alcohol Content by Volume: 12%

As an emoji, I wear my emotions on my yellow sleeve. If I’m happy, you know it. If I’m sad, you know it. And, as the name of this column implies, if I’m drunk, you know it!

Drunk is what happened when I decided to sample the Frost Monster Imperial Stout. And before you send me nasty emails suggesting I’m reckless with my alcohol, let it be known that I drank responsibly… in the comfort of my own living room. (I did however drunk text an old emoji flame, which was extremely irresponsible, but that is neither here nor there.)

The thing is, I knew that the 12% would lead me to 100% tipsiness, but the roasted malty goodness of this royally-named stout lured me in like the cuddly nature of the frost monster pictured on the label. As I was Netflix’ing my way through season three of a series I remember very little about, I found myself reaching for another just as soon as I finished the first, sipping from what tasted like a boozy espresso that, while cold, warmed me to my very emoji soul.

I vowed that this was going to be the last stout of the season that I sampled and I’m glad that I waited to unleash the lurking Frost Monster in the season finale because it truly was a matter of saving the best for last.

DRUNKEN EMOJI RATING